There’s nothing better than a good one liner. Using only a few words and a no setup they still have you rolling. Here are a few of my favorites. I apologize for not giving credit to all of them but in honesty I have no idea who said many of them
It ain’t rocket surgery
When it comes to charity, most people stop at nothing.
My grandfather had his tongue cut out during the war… but he never used to talk about it…
I want to die in my sleep peacefully, like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his cab.
My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn’t find a good bagel anywhere. And I said “well whose fault is that?
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time
So this grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We have a drink named after you” and the grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Steve?”
I intend to live forever, so far, so good
Groucho Marx said the next 5
“A man is as young as the woman he feels.”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
“Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.”
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
“Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.”
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
The television and antenna got married the other day. The wedding was garbage, but the reception was great!
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
You build a dozen roads, but do they call you ‘Conner the Road Builder’? No. You sire six wonderful sons, but do they call you ‘Conner the Child Rearer’? No. But you fuck ONE sheep….
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes; I was like, ‘Dude, you have to wait.
I really hate black lights, cuz I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love
A man walks into a bar; he’s an alcoholic and its destroying his family
The Following 4 are from Rodney Dangerfield
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
I’m so ugly… I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.
Women are like dog poop, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up
I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least i don’t have Alzheimer’s
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now
The Next 5 are from Winston Churchhill
He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison,” and he said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
Henny Youngman I’ve been with the same woman 17 years and if my wife finds out about her, is she gonna be pissed!
A priest is checking into a motel when he says “I do hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?” The receptionist says “No it’s just normal porn. You sick bastard”
to the Gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”. He said, “How flexible are you?”. I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”
I spent all my money on women and whisky, the rest of the money I wasted.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. ” – Mark Twain
I lost my job. Well, I didn’t lose it, I know where it is. But when I go there some other guy is doing it.
The Last here are from Mitch Hedberg (and there probably some from above as well)
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ‘em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
This is what my friend said to me; he said, “Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.” It’s like,”Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.”
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
I’d like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real fuckin’ big!
I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, “How would you like your eggs?” So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said “Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it’s gonna take awhile. I don’t have time, scrambled!”
They say Flintstone’s vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it’s just that they taste shitty